And as I go through everyday I keep wondering what it would be like if my life isn’t mine. What If I was born into another body, had another life. what if I had to fight for my life every second of everyday like some people. What if I was laying down on a hospital bed waiting for merciful death and regretting the chances I missed at living. What does it take to really start appreciating everything you’re blessed with everyday? What does it take to live your life the way YOU see fit? because when you lay your head on the pillow at night and go to sleep it’s just you there, the rest of the world disappears, shuts off.
I’m such a coward, it took me years to try and figure out what I want, what could bring me true joy and just when I pieced it all together I don’t do a thing to make it happen. I just sit back and live my boring life, go to my boring job and settle, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. there is no other word for it. I can’t breathe easy anymore. it’s not my fault that I was born with an awareness of everything around me, such a sharp and heavy thing to carry around all the time. why couldn’t I be a traditional girl with nothing on her mind but settling into a safe job, get a car, get married, have kids, make a family, sacrifice myself for them, give it my all. be the perfect mother, and wife. CAN YOU SEE ME CRINGING?!!!
NO. that’s not who I am.
the wishes that I whisper when no one is listening never involved any of those things. the words that my heart and soul keep repeating cannot be fulfilled that easily. The truth is, I have lives inside of me, stories, people, places, words, scenarios that keep playing on and on and on and sometimes I grab the closest pen and paper and write until my hand aches. sometimes I trace pictures of places I want to visit gently with my finger and wish I could go, if it was easy to just pack and leave. wouldn’t that be great?
The only reason I’m typing these words is my need to let them out, so while I’m at it, I promise I will not settle. I will find my own brand of happy and cherish it. I will satisfy my craving from this life. I will collect those moments that make warmth fill my chest and keep them for rainy days. I will find my way out there and keep going until there’s nothing left of me but my words.